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Chinese marriage is generally looked upon as an occasion for extending family. The whole process goes an elaborate marriage proposal and acceptance. Generally, middle man plays a great role in solemnizing the marriage.

Marriage proposal comes from the boy’s side. Marriage is considered important for continuing the ancestral line and creating alliances. Important parties in proposal and betrothal negotiations were the parents of the prospective bride and groom.

When the boy and girl attain the marriage age, the search for the prospective life partner is started. Generally, the boy’s parents after selecting a particular girl sent a middle man to her house. He is accompanied by number of gifts. If the girl’s parents accept the proposal, they will tell the middle man date and hour of the girl’s birth which will be recorded in a document.

This document is kept on family’s alter for three days. If it does not present any bad omen like family quarrel or loss of property, then the girl will be considered favorable for the groom.

Only then the birth time of the boy will be conveyed to the girl parents. When complete compatibility is ascertained, face to face meeting is fixed by both of the parties. Education, family status and wealth are evaluated. Only after complete satisfaction, the marriage date is fixed.

Marriage tokens are exchanged between the two families. Then the bargaining is made to arrive at the cost of the gifts and goods that will be given to the bride’s family. An auspicious date is generally decided for the marriage.

The girl is given gifts by the bridal family which includes cash, tea, wine, tobacco and bridal cakes. Bridal cakes are distributed among friends and relatives. It is a form of announcement for the wedding. Boy’s family is given the gifts by the girl’s family.

Boy’s family recognizes the efforts of the parents in raising up a girl so they sent a number of gifts for the girl’s family and by accepting them, her parents pledge her to the boy. In Chinese marriage, girl is given to the family rather than to the boy alone.

After some days, dowry is sent to groom’s house. It consists of pot consisting of coins and fruits. In this way, girl’s family find an opportunity to display their wealth and love for their daughter.

In Chinese marriages, a girl generally lives a life of isolation away from daily routine. She is accompanied by her friends. Songs are sung. Often her friends would say taunts for the parents and middle man who have arranged for her separation with her parents.

On wedding day, girl takes bath in water containing the grape water and perfumes to ward off the evil spirits. Hair is done in beautiful style by a good luck woman. A good luck woman is that who is married and is having children.

Then she is carried on to the main hall by the lucky woman on her back. Then she puts on her jacket and skirt. Red shoes are put on in her feet. Her face is covered by the silk veil. Then she bowed before her parents to seek their blessings.

Groom is dressed in a long red gown, red shoes and a red silk sash over his shoulder; he bowed in front of his parents. Red cap is put over his head and the whole procession leads for the bride’s house. Crackers are burnt and drums are played to ward off the evil spirits.

Groom takes meals with the girl’s family where he is presented with chopsticks. Special dishes are served to him. Then bride is carried at a sedan chair to the groom’s house.

Couple wed is decorated beautifully. Dates, grapes and pomegranates are spread on the bed and children are made to sit on the bed. This is done to bless the couple with lots of children and happy married life.

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#1 goal is to make sure that the bride’s wishes are carried out the way that she wants them to be.  The mother of the bride is there to help her to make sure that what she wants and what she needs happens. 

It is very important that the mother of the bride allows for the bride’s tastes, desires and needs to be provided for.  This does not mean that they can dictate what happens, but rather should insure that what does is what the bride wants.

As one of the largest role players, here are her responsibilities:

-    The Wedding Attire.  The mother of the bride should help to find the perfect dress for the wedding, including undergarments and accessories.  Not your tastes, but hers should come through.

-    Guest Lists.  The mother of the bride should help to organize guest lists, coordinating with the mother of the groom.  If the mother of the groom does not contact her, she should make the first attempt. 

-    Help the bride and groom determine their wedding budget.  While she should not do all the work, she should help them allocate where money is going and what are the important aspects to consider.

-    Out of Town Guests.  Those guests that are coming from out of town on the bride’s side of the family should be well taken care of by the mother of the bride. 

Arranging accommodations and transportation for them is her responsibility.  Often this can be minimized if a block of rooms is available to guests at the local hotels as needed by the mother of the bride.

-    Wedding Gowns.  You will select your wedding dress first, but you need to immediately tell the mother of the groom what style and color it is so that she can match or coordinate hers with yours.

-    Wedding Ceremony.  The mother of the bride will need to insure that all the direction for the wedding is given and understood.  Where will people stand, sit and how it all will happen are just a few of these concerns.  Insure that the receiving line is set up properly as well.

-    Hostess.  As the mother of the bride, you are the hostess of the reception.  Have someone help you to plan and execute it.

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Several of our authors including Prof Buchi Emecheta have centered their works on the Bride-price in Africa but only few have been in fervent advocacy for considerations literarily intervening to bring down costly requests usually put up by our elders in demand for bride-price and dowries. African writers and all friends of the continent who wish us well should openly speak against incessant and unreasonable demand for money which we term bride-price. We often neglect this aspect of our social life, which has become terribly demanding on us, and continues to waste the lives of our daughters who should be living happily with their heartthrobs.

The time has come when we shall all rise up against our elders in the village, who sit down and expect news of marriage of daughters they contributed nothing in rearing. No news excites our elders in the village more than that of someone is asking for the hand of our daughter, I think the war has begun already, with traditional marriages now taking place outside our hometowns, in current places of abode, the stronghold of our elders who sit down in villages and expect “settlements” (Money) is increasingly under threat.

Families who oppose traditional marriages taking place outside one’s hometown have no valid reasons to do so, after all, tradition in this sense simply means fulfilling the traditional aspect of the marriage not particularly with regards to where it should take place. People should made to get this clear, we should condemn the situation, our elders, vehemently reject the fulfillment of traditional marriages except it holds in the village for personal gains.

We also have a situation whereby people who know nothing about how a girl-child was reared would simply because he understands the child to have been educated up to tertiary level would demand for so much as a result of educational background. In the first place, educational background should not form a yardstick for determining how much bride-price should be paid for the head of a child. In first place, it baffles me on how the child nothing is known of by our elders now suddenly becomes a child of the entire village just because the issue of bride-price is at hand.

No matter how hard a single parent has worked to raise her daughter, when an issue concerns marriage she goes searching and begging elders who must not only preside over such a marriage but must also dictate how much should be involved for the workability of the marriage. Unhappy elders use the opportunity to make unrealistic demands insidiously to stall the marriage and tear the whole plan apart. High bride-price can be used to achieve this plan.

Our ladies are left with no option than to succumb to African insidious stall plans called bride-price. If the demand of bride-price must be made, our African elders must be thought to be reasonable after all, the era of slave trade is past, that is all we make them understand. Demand for non traditional items like umbrella, shoes, etc must become things of the past if our daughters are to become happily married to men of their choice.

Elders who want to live on bride-price, dowries, food and drinks from funeral should be taken care of by their own children, and must not be let lose to sit down to dictate how tradition demanded it in the past or series of precedents set in other communities. It particularly grieves me to listen to our elders ask questions on how it was when their sons went to that very village to marry a daughter of theirs. How much was demanded from them as dowries, why should there even be bargaining and haggling over a human being.

These things are increasing the number of able men in our society who are denied of marriage because they are expected to throw a very big party. We also hear there is this community in Nigeria where DJs are never allowed to play at marriages except live bands. You are there advised to include live band in plan for marriage. My advice to the elders of this village is that they should be put a stop to it immediately, music is music, no matter where the sound blares from, it still makes sense and danceable too.

Unimaginable contents in what has come to be known as marriage list should also be reasonable; a situation whereby such list contains unnecessary items and unconceivable amount of alcohols and expensive wines should be given re-consideration if our children must become some of the married couples in our society. Remember that if you unnecessary make certain unattainable demands today because you are giving out your girl-child to another family tomorrow, your male child will require you to accompany him to another family from another background entirely where you will haggle over unattainable demands to get your son married, and if you have no male child, your cousin may become a victim tomorrow, so stop the high demand of this bride-price today and you will have discouraged prostitution, HIV/AIDS spread and irresponsible life-style in our African society.

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This article is intended to share with readers, particularly those who are not familiar with African marriage customs. My wife, Duduzile, comes from a Zulu culture (largely concentrated in Kwa-Zulu Natal Province, in South Africa) and mine is Sesotho culture. My late father, Pasha, came from Qwaqwa, near Harrismisth in the Free State Province, South Africa – and my great grand parents came from the Kingdom of Lesotho).

My mother, Buzelwa, comes from Xhosa culture – in Emdizeni, near Muddelsdrift, in the Eastern Cape, South Africa. My family is a rainbow of three cultures. My family is still following African culture with regard to marriage ceremonies. We follow both Biblical and African practices of giving dowry or bride’s price (“lobolo” in Xhosa and Zulu cultures, “bohadi” in Sesotho, Setswana and Sepedi cultures).

I gave “bohadi” or “lobolo” of twelve cows for my wife, and my brother-in-law, Ayo, gave “lobolo” for my kid sister. This cultural practice has knitted our families together. In African culture marriage takes place primarily between two families, and secondarily between man and woman. The first question is not:  What is the name of the girl/boy who wants to marry our child?” but, “Who are his/her parents and relatives?” “Where do they live?” If the family discovers that you intend marrying a man/woman from your relatives or enemies’ family, it becomes a problem, and in many cases a love-affair is discouraged or disapproved, or even stopped.

The family members are interested in gaining information about the other family more than information about their prospective daughter/son-in-law. Assuming that the prospective family-in-law is known for its good manners, reputation, and “ubuntu”, and a thorough research has been done about them, then the next step is to invite the girl/boy by the family – just to see him/her.  My folk even made contact with my prospective family-in-law, and became friends. My mother invited my fiancée.

The next step will be to announce to the host or prospective bride’s family that they should anticipate a delegation on a specific date. The chief-negotiator who, in many cases is the uncle, leads a delegation. If the uncle is deceased, then an elder or trusted, reputable family member is appointed to lead a delegation. The purpose of this visit is to negotiate the size or amount of “bohadi” or “lobolo”. The delegation is often skilled in negotiations, and the host family is also led by a skilled chief-negotiator uncle or trusted relative. Part of the negotiations is to pass or share cultures from both families seeing that both families might come from different tribes with different cultures and traditions.

The two delegations would become bonded by and through a process of negotiations, and would be used in future to resolve conflicts between the newly wedded couple. These negotiations symbolise two families forging a long-term relationship. The two families, including members who were involved in negations, would be invited to support each other whenever there are ceremonies or occasions such as death or marriages or etc. This bond becomes permanent regardless of the divorce of the couple that brought them together. We will continue in African Marriages – Part 2.

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